Discovery and recovery
by laurashrub
Summary: Something happened to Raven, that left her in danger. Now she is enroute to recovery, but to do this she needs to let go of her emotions in the only safe way...writing them down.
1. Introduction

**A/N _This just came to me a few moments ago. And I've wanted to do something like this for a while, but this is the best version I've managed to get. I hope you enjoy and I will try my best to continue._**

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Far too often we've been betrayed. Betrayed, hurt…almost killed by the ones we thought we could trust. And though betrayal has only occurred once for us, it was one time too many. And as for being hurt or almost killed…that was my fault. I hurt my friends by not admitting fear…and nearly killed the world around me when my rage threatened to consume me. But betrayal is a risk when you protect the city you live in. But injury and fatality? They are things best avoided. Especially when they come from me.

I've read too often, of feelings that I will never feel, and things I can never do. I've read poems, of darkness and hate, which will bring destruction to the world around me. I've seen films and antics from my friends, that make my mouth twitch, but I cannot laugh, for something WILL happen. And unknown to all, I've read tales and heard songs, dealing with the most dangerous feeling I could ever express…love.

Why is it that for everyone else, this feeling gives them the 'warm fuzzy' experience I will never have? Why is it I was cursed with what some call 'looks' and yet I cannot do as others do? I cannot react to whistles given to me in the street, no matter how much I want to either smile or shout at them. I always thought I may be able to get away with it, but then I saw what happened when another had my powers. One who is overflowing with emotions and wears her heart on her sleeve.

I saw the destruction and the chaos created, and remember nearly becoming destroyed by her inexperience. But worst of all, her powers thrive on emotion. And for the first time, I could express my emotion, feel joy as I flew, confidence as I fought and fury as I tapped into the one power I've ever admired her use. And to be trained to feel, and suddenly to hide them again? It is an unwanted experience. She thought I meditated because I wanted the peace and I missed it…but truth be told? If she had kept my powers, I would never have missed the exercise. I needed the extra time, to relearn what I had taught, not a day before.

I could not express regret when Terra, who fought beside us, betrayed then protected us…I could not feel sorrow when she left. I had to stay calm when I saw him trapped and helpless beneath her, talking to her to fight for control. I could never have screamed in terror or called out his name as those beside me did. I couldn't sob in relief when we got him out, nor could I express the deep feeling of regret that I did not know this girl, the way we should have known her. The way she deserved to be known.

My feelings have been repressed to prevent hurting others, but lately they have been hurting me. And I've been told to write down everything. If I don't, how else will they escape? And on these pages, I will try my very best to figure out what triggered the injury to myself, and the downward spiral that was exhaustion, depression and sudden pain. A pain I did not mean to inflict, but which inflicted itself on me.

I am Raven…and this is my path to discovery and recovery. I can only hope this will be the case.


	2. How I came to be

**Just so you know I have no idea if the facts I put in this are true, I've just made them up and it sounds plausible. So I apologise if this doesn't match up with some things someone ELSE has written.**

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Not much is known about us before we became big crime fighters. But I believe it is there that my story begins…the day I arrived to a strange blue planet called 'Earth', trying to get away from the one person who made my life a misery-my father.

I've always had issues with him, even before I came here. But I was never prepared to accept my heritage, and no one even tried to prepare me for it. My mother wanted to, knew she had to, before I did something terrible. But I was never allowed to know. My father believed I was meant to discover these things on my own, that I had everything too easily. But I never did. My days were filled with childish joy and expectation, never knowing of the horrors that lay just beyond my front door. Never even knowing the devastation I could cause within my own skin. And nobody to tell me what would happen…or what was happening.

My mother was always cold, the hugs and kisses bestowed upon me were never warm or filled with love. She never comforted when I injured myself, never seemed to try. I never once saw her weep, heard her shout, felt her anger. But while some may have revelled in this freedom, I never could. While Mother never felt anything towards me, my father had just one emotion…pure unresolved rage. Towards me, our neighbours, everyone. Any freedom I got from lack of emotion on my mother's part, was quickly checked on the part of my father. She listened, he punished. She pleaded with him to calm down, but in a way that made me think she didn't really care. But I didn't find out why this was until it was too late.

Mother died, still as cold and unloving as ever. And I didn't really care. That sounds terrible on paper, but I didn't. I didn't know her. She never opened her heart to me, never talked, never hugged. And in my own childish rebellion, I said I didn't care. It was only after she had gone that I realised just how much she did care. Any injuries I received, I had to treat myself. My father would never hug me, coldly or otherwise. I missed them at first, but gradually forgot what they felt like. And as I hit what humans call 'teenage years', I learned about my mother. I found out about her, and why she never seemed to care.

A birthday is always met with excitement, my friends have taught me that. When I was young, I felt that way. But when I reached 13, the day was met with heartache and pain. I had eaten a meal, alone, and was so alone I was miserable. And each bite I took, the pain increased until my eyes filled with tears. I would have gladly cried, letting all the pent up emotions and misery I had been feeling with my mother's death…I would have gladly let it all out. And I would have, had not the remaining few bites of my dinner suddenly exploded in my face. I was convinced my father had done it, but he was no where to be seen. And the fear that began to build, caused the plate to smash. I was afraid, of what was happening, everything. And while I was scared, I found myself in my mother's room, her scent still detectable in the air. A closed book lay on her bed…what she was reading the day she…

I lifted it, wanting the owner to come back to me. But she never would. She did that night though. Through the letter slipped in the book. Addressed to me and no one else. I still remember the wonder and joy of seeing her writing in the pages, the confusion of this. Our planet was highly advanced, why write? It was practically Dark Ages! But I would find out, as the envelope opened, and I lifted the pages out, smoothing the crumples, and sitting down to read.

_'My darling Raven,_

_By now I'm gone, as I always knew I would be. It comes with the heritage of being within this family. But I sincerely hope it never happens to you my dearest girl._

_But one part you can never avoid and this is what I must warn you about. Your father thinks you should discover on your own, but I couldn't cope when it was my turn. I only want you to avoid the pain and suffering I caused, to my self and those around me._

_I realise this seems incredibly strange and cheesy (I smiled here. Mother had picked up one or two earth phrases which she only used within my earshot.) but it's the only way I can tell you without hurting your father or you. Raven, you have always been the bright point of my life. I have watched you grow from a babbling baby to a bright young girl, full of life and above all…emotion._

_It is this that you must now be warned against. Raven, I could not feel emotion, and now neither can you! I know this sounds terrible, but think about it. When did I shout or become angry when you misbehaved? When did I hug you close and hold you there until you pushed away? When? I couldn't, because I had a power, bigger than you could ever imagine. I was more powerful than anyone I knew, and with just three words, I could lift heavy object with a black light. I could contain things within a force field, protecting people and things around me. I could hover, I could control and I could sense. It was an incredible gift pet, but it came at a price._

_With this power, came no limit. If I was angry or sad, the powers grew. No matter what I felt, the more I felt the more powerful I became…and the less I could control it. Things exploded or melted around me. Objects bent out of shape, people were hurt or traumatised by the darkness I weaved. I could never feel rage, misery or joy. And when you came along, I was almost never with you, as I feared I would hurt you. My heart was filled with just so much love for you. And for this, I'm sorry for anything I ever did to make you feel unloved._

_This power has been passed onto you my dear, whether you like it or not. It's part of who you are. So I will leave you with some advice and caution._

_ALWAYS keep calm. Find something that helps if you can. For me, it was meditating. For your grandmother, it was cooking (or so she told me). For you, it may be different. But to help you, I have left my mirror. Only use it when you are completely calm and feel you have control over both your powers and emotions. When you are, look at it. From there, you are on your own. Different people find different things and different ways of getting out._

_Keep yourself secluded during these first few months. They are the toughest ones. All your emotion must be ignored and serenity and keeping calm is the only way to deal with them. You may lose friends, but it is to be expected. It is better to lose friends than to kill them._

_Finally, the words to trigger your gift. They are_ Azarath, Metrion, Zintos_. Only say them when you feel you should use them, otherwise never mention them together._

_Never forget that I loved you…'_

Here the letter trailed off. But it explained everything I needed to know. I knew the theory, but was unsure if I could practise it. From here…I was on my own.

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**A/N**

As several people have wanted to know, this is hopefully, going to be a short story about Raven. Hopefully it will tell you (my version of) her past, and what happened to make her write this down. So enjoy and I'll update when possible!


	3. Prison and freedom

**Ok...I thought it was about time I updated this story. And I apologise that it has taken so long. I've been doing exams, and am celebrating the end of them by updating. So enjoy. This plot is also entirely my own, so if you don't like it, I apologise!**

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I obeyed my mother, even from the grave. My room became my haven, and my haven was my home. I only left to eat and only when there was no one else in the house. My emotions were in a whirl those first few days, and I lost count of the number of lights I had to change and the number of meals I wiped from the walls. Gradually, I learnt to control those emotions, through meditation and reading. Everyday, when I got up, I sat on my bed and relaxed, breathing and searching inwards for peace. It was boring and I never enjoyed it, but it was something I had to do. Sometimes, I would open my eyes to find that half the day had left me while I sat there. 

My friends abandoned me. I never left the house and I was all alone. But I did not mind, for I knew that if I let anyone close to me, I would hurt them. I was so afraid of hurting someone that I became a recluse. I almost lost the use of my voice because I had nobody to talk to. That is one of the reasons my voice is so hoarse now…I never used it.

Almost three months after discovering this power, I was meditating on my bed when a noise startled me. My eyes snapped open and, to my astonishment, I fell. I didn't fall far, but it was enough to hurt my back. I winced and looked out of the window, but I could neither see nor hear what had scared me so much. I turned back to relax once more, when a light caught my eye. It was the mirror my mother gave me in her letter, the one she had asked me to use when I felt ready. As I considered it, I knew I was as ready as I could be. I walked over and picked it up, before sitting on my bed and looking at it. I stared at my reflection for a good ten minutes, trying desperately not to feel foolish. But it was difficult. I was looking into a small mirror that was supposed to do miraculous things and all I could see was my face! Finally, I gave up and laid the mirror on my lap, relaxing and beginning the familiar exercise.

A sound reached me and I opened my eyes and moved to walk towards the window. The place where I stood was not where I had been sitting a mere five seconds before. I gazed in wonder at the black and red surroundings, the rocky path with several small archways across it. Something about this place comforted me in a strange way, but also terrified me. The moment I began to feel afraid, there was a flash of movement beside me. I spun, ready to face whatever it was, and another flash. I spun again, but could see nothing. I was feeling a little dizzy so slowly, I turned, trying to see whatever it was that ran past me.

A voice called, "Look down."

I am not usually one to listen to voices in my head, but this time I paid attention. A small stairway appeared at my feet, the path, for the moment, was broken. Carefully, controlling my breathing, I walked down those steps.

The stairs opened out into an open space. I stepped onto the rock and moved forward, into the middle of the space. The flashes of movement were becoming more and more frequent and I had no idea what to do. The voice called again, sounding both far away and nearby.

"Call us."

Call who? I could see no one, and continued watching the dizzying display of colours that flashed past me. It made me ill, so I paused, breathed, then opened my eyes. I did not know it at the time, but I sounded like Starfire who I would meet later in my life.

"Hello? Strange coloured people? Will you come here?" My voice sounded rather croaky. I'd forgotten how to speak.

One by one, the figures obeyed, until I saw them for who they were. The all seemed familiar, but different. I could not place them.

"Who are you?" I asked, trying and failing to not be confused.

The nearest figure stepped forward. It wore a yellow cloak and, like the others, had its face covered by the hood.. A hand reached up, a feminine hand, and pulled the hood away from her face.

"We're you," she said.

Her face was like mine, with a few differences. She wore glasses and held a book in her hands. I turned to see the rest. They wore different coloured cloaks and all had my face. One smiled, one looked miserable, another was confident…

"We are parts of your personality. You have to push down your feelings, which become us. We are the parts of you that others can no longer see. But when you use the mirror you mother gave you, you can meet with us and talk to us if you so wish. Whenever a new feeling appears, like fear… (she nodded towards one terrified looking creature who looked like she wanted to run away)…another one of us will appear. We basically let you know what you are feeling and help you to deal with it. Those archways are the places we live. We need a home too." she grinned, something I could not do, and had forgotten how.

I felt a jerk and fell to my knees. The grey cloaked one looked up sharply.

"You must leave, he is going to hurt us!"

I felt myself being jerked towards the exit, a small place where I could leave the mirror. Sounds, colours…all melted together. Light appeared before my eyes and I opened them with a start. A hand swiped, and pain filled my head. I looked up to see who he was…

My father. He roared at me in anger. Even now, I do not know why he was yelling at me, but I was too scared to find out and too terrified to calm down. My light flashed quickly and he continued yelling at me. He swiped again, but somehow I managed to protect myself. Those few moments allowed me to calm down, to gain control once more. My head came up and did everything I could to keep calm and to protect myself. His fist came down, and suddenly I was certain I saw a green cloaked figure appear before my eyes, but I blinked and she was gone. I am certain she took my place for a few moments, and made some major changes in my life.

I blinked again and my father lay unconscious on the floor. I looked, numb. I felt nothing, thought nothing. I stayed that way for a few seconds, but it seemed like a lifetime. Suddenly, I remembered. If he woke, and I did that…I would get killed. He was capable of doing it and in his rage he wouldn't listen to me.

I ran. Ran faster than I ever ran before (but there would soon be days when I ran faster). My shoes skidded along the floor, almost hurtling me into a wall. I grabbed my cloak on the way down the halls. I knew where I wanted to be but I didn't know how long I would be there. I could hear him stirring and begged my personality to help me. It was a desperate and insane thing to do, but it worked. The yellow one appeared in my mind's eye.

"The launch pad" she answered, simply.

I sprinted, pausing only when I came face to face with the craft. Swiftly, I launched myself into it, trying to remember how to drive it. There were too many buttons and leavers, but I could hear the same figure speaking to me, reminding me what I had to do. The door burst open, but by then I was already in the air and was about to take off.

The last thing I remember from my escape was an angry and desperate roar from the figure on the launch pad. Then, the planet disappeared rapidly, leaving me with my thoughts, my mirror, and the open darkness of space.

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**A/N **

**I am glad that people enjoy this so far. Hopefully you still do. Pretty please will you make my day and review?**


	4. Flight and crash

I do not know how long I was out there, for night and day has no place within the realms of space. The sun is little more than a star, and all stars are mere pinpricks of light in the otherwise blank sky. When you finally reach a point that is close enough to see the sun properly, it neither rises nor sets, for all planets orbit a sun which does not move.

I was travelling in no particular direction, with no particular purpose other than to flee. Looking back now, I realise how pointless that exercise was, for he would never search for me. I was out of his life, out of his hair. The only living reminder of his wife had left. Now, at last, he could breathe and forget her. I was no longer there, reminding him of the woman I truly believe he actually loved. He had placed all of his anger and grief onto me, blaming me for her absence. Now that I had left, he would finally grieve for a lost love, but I would never come back. There is denial, grief, frustration and guilt, but there is absolutely no reason for inflicting pain and heartache onto another.

The old, harsh vastness of open space reminded me of him. Its darkness reminded me of our planet. That thought was immediately pushed aside and forgotten. The place I had left was not mine. It was never mine and could never be regarded as home. It was his, and it was part of a life that already seemed to be so far away. Someone else's life. I did not know where I was going, but wherever I landed, that would be the place I would live. I could not imagine any place that was worse than where I had just left. But at the same time, I could imagine no place that seemed any better.

I flew for as long as was physically possible for any being to stay awake for. I had no food, no water and the sheer enormity of what I had done began to catch up with me. I was exhausted, but if I submitted to the need to close my eyes, I would wake in a weakened state, far worse than I was before I slept. I could not rely on the Automatic for too long, but as exhaustion began to creep up on me, I somehow activated it and began to explore the ship that I had often seen, but never fully understood.

I will not pretend that the ship was something it wasn't. I will not say that I was able to stand without having to crouch, that there was a bathroom where I could freshen up or that there just happened to be a chance emergency basket of food and water, for these would all be lies. The ship had only ever been used for short journeys, and it had not been used in some time, but fortunately had always been well maintained. I will say this however, that despite the lack of space and comfort, it was simple in both design and mechanism. Every button and lever was clearly labelled in its use and purpose and every gauge had the universal language of colour to tell the driver exactly what was a dangerous level. It was at this point, after refreshing myself as best as I could, that I suddenly thought to check the fuel meter. Glancing at it hurriedly, I saw with a mixture of apprehension and relief, that there was more than a quarter of a tank of fuel left. To some, this amount would strike fear into their heart, but I believed that the fuel tank was larger than it really was and did not even consider how much fuel the ship used at a time. Considering my condition at the time, this was understandable.

The dark abyss had begun to brighten. Space became occupied by orbiting planets. My fuel level was beginning to run low and I was suddenly struck with a thought. I had no idea what sort of fuel this ship required! Even if I did, I had no idea whether these surrounding planets actually had it in abundance, or if they even had it at all! Whenever I landed (and by my calculations it had to be soon), wherever I was, I somehow would have to make it my home.

A blue planet caught my eye, little more than a glimmer in the distance. It lay just beyond the horizon, hanging, much like a pendant my mother once owned, its beauty unblemished and indescribable. I stared at it, surprised by how close it appeared to be coming, not realising that I had turned the ship towards it instinctively. I just wanted to look. To look at the perfect sphere that lay before me, shimmering with untold hope and life.

A blare jerked me from my dream, warning me of the danger as the fuel level drastically dropped. It was too late to turn from this planet. It seemed that this was to be my home for now. I judged that if I was careful, I would be able to land somewhere on this planet safely. I had once landed a ship, much like the one I now sat in. With this knowledge, and the clear labels around me, I was certain that I could not fail, that this would be a definite success. I forgot one important thing. Landing a ship onto a sturdy level is one thing. Landing a stolen ship when half exhausted, starved, on low fuel and onto an unknown planet? That was something entirely different!

My hands automatically went to the manual controls, positioned to steer, ready to face the peril. I'm afraid that my mind becomes somewhat fuzzy on the details, for when in danger adrenaline and desperation takes over. I do remember how many times I had to close my eyes and to breathe, to relax, to forget how close I lay to death. I tried desperately to keep the ship steady, but I cannot remember how successful I was. I recall heat. Lots of heat as the ship entered the planet's atmosphere. The blackness of space had left me unprepared for the brightness of those orange flames that now surrounded the hull. The blackness was a sharp contrast to the colour of those flames that now blinded me, making spots dance before my eyes. I focused my gaze, instead, on the controls that I feared had now lost control. The heat from the hull was terrible. It burned without touching me, nearly causing me to black out. I held on to consciousness for my life, believing it to be nearly over. There was a point when I nearly gave up, very nearly sat back to die or black out, whichever came first. A scream in my head told me I would do no such thing. I could conquer the heat, it couldn't last much longer. I had made it this far and I was not about to stop now. And if I did just give up now, my personality would _never_ speak to me again!

Suddenly the flames stopped, the heat subsided. I could see clearly once more. What I beheld just beyond my screen, was not a terribly reassuring sight. All I could see was brown and yellow flashes. The ground soared to meet my ship and my fuel level was now next to nothing. I cannot remember what I did. All I ca recall to memory was my hands moving, doing something that my brain had not ordered them to do. There was a crash as the ship finally collided with the ground. There was a pause, then…silence.

I sat there for what seemed like forever. Carefully, I moved my limbs, reassuring myself that they were all still intact. I breathed deeply, attempting to relax and meditate, but a sharp pain in my side brought me back to reality, reminding me of where I was. The ship was broken, and at the angle it now lay, there was no telling what could happen. I may have stopped moving, but I was still in danger. I had to get out! Pausing, I glanced around me, searching for a way out. A small breeze of air gave me a clue, persuading me to look up. I did, and spied a small tear in the metal of the ship. Reaching within myself, I called my power to me and branched it out towards the metal. It was a slow process for my body kept protesting. Reaching up slowly, I felt that I had the metal before me, and carefully I began to tear the metal apart, much like a piece of paper. I was in control once more. The gap widened with a terrible screech and gradually I drew my power back towards me again and crawled towards the gap I had created, hauling myself out of the wreckage of my sole transport.

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My first impressions of this place, it must be confessed, were far from favourable. All I could see was sand and rock. I began to fear that I had not landed on the blue planet that I had seen from space, but common sense told me otherwise. Where was there food that I could eat? Where could I find shelter to stay in? I could see none. My aching limbs protested as I made myself stand and start to walk across the sand. My eyes began to adjust to the brightness of this world which was definitely a lot larger than the dim ship that I had just left. I relished the space, breathing in fresh air for the first time in…who knew how long? A small shadow caught my eyes, the shadow from my own ship. The shadow was not terribly large, but there was space enough to shade me.

Slowly I sat, tugging my precious, and remarkably unbroken. Mirror from my pocket to my hands. As my exhausted limbs got into position, I knew that I had to meditate before I did anything else. My body has it's limitations, but unless I show my power it's limitations and keep it in check, it does not, My tired body settled quickly into a state of relaxation and I met myself once more, finally able to thank each part for giving me the will, knowledge and determination to stay alive.

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I do not know how long I sat there, but when my eyes opened, I found myself looking straight into the eyes of a monster!

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**A/N**

**Yay! I'm getting reviews! Do it again for me! I am so please people like the way this is turning out and I am saying nothing about what's happening later because if I do that you won't keep reading! (hint hint AntimatterManticore). PLEASEclick the little blue button at the bottom and review? I won't update unless you do!**


	5. Rescue!

There was only one reason why I didn't spring back and scream…or, I must confess, two. While many believe that the creature's welfare was the main concern on my mind, I have to admit that this is inaccurate. The reason I didn't do anything to it was because of the mediation session which had ended a mere five seconds before and the calming state of mind I'm usually in as I come out of it. The reason I didn't leap backwards from this terrible apparition before me was simply because I was leaning against the wall of my broken and battered ship and it was the only thing that prevented me from falling. Truth be told, I couldn't move, whether or not I ever wished to. But this did not matter at the time, as the creature shrieked loud enough for the pair of us and leapt back swiftly.

We stared. Neither spoke. He looked away first, the beginning of many victories for me, though at the time I did not know this. His uncertain and scared glances gave me the opportunity to examine his features carefully. If I were to describe him in one word, that word would have to be…green. Very, very green. Everything about him was this colour. His hair, his skin…everything but his outfit, a black and purple combination which disappeared as he suddenly grew into some form of animal. I could not identify the creature, as my knowledge of this planet was minimal. I did not have a clue where I even was at this point. When I didn't move, the animal became the boy again, his elfish face uncertain, but curious. The silence continued, seeming to kill him so he spoke.

"ARE…YOU…OK?" You could almost see the capital letters on his words as he struggled to make himself understood. But at least, I had an idea where I was. Earth, and an area that spoke English at that. I remained silent, waiting.

"DO…YOU…KNOW…WHAT…I'M…SAYING?" His arms flailed wildly as he tried to mime what he wanted. I never told him, and I never will admit this to anyone, but if I had no experience in keeping control over my emotions, I would have fallen over laughing at the ridiculous spectacle before me, the way my friends so often do. But I'm ahead of myself. I did not know them yet. I wanted to end his misery and agony, but another voice broke the silence.

"Yo, B! Where the heck are you?" The voice sounded annoyed and tough, as if he wouldn't think twice about fighting anybody. This combination is rare, and I should never have been as familiar with it as I was.

"Over here! I found something weird."

I was weird? Well, compared to the green image in front of me I was relatively normal. But I only had the people of Azarath to compare it to. If everyone on this planet was like my 'friend' before me, I was really about to stick out. I nearly fainted when I spotted the giant half-robot that was walking towards me. Whether it was fear or starvation that triggered my light-headedness was uncertain. Personally, I prefer the lack of food part of the story, but I will never admit fear to anyone, but I'm learning to admit it to myself at least.

He merely gave me a passing glance…with the human eye, but the feeling that I was being examined coursed through me, nearly costing me another staring match. I won again, narrowly. He turned to his friend to exchange glances. My only thought at this point was, "Who lives here?" I regretted it once I got to know them, and I hope they may never know how horrified I was at the first glance I had of the planet that I have since come to know, love and regard as the home I never had. That's what makes it so hard to face up to what I'm meant to do. But I cannot tell. Not yet, not now. Somehow, someway I will fight it. But I must keep to the topic before I destroy something dear to me, or millions of strangers. I won't be like Terra! I won't betray a trust!

The half robot spoke to the green one. "Who's this?"

"Don't know. I tried talking to it but I don't think it understands me."

Anger, and mild sympathy, flew to my heart as I struggled to quell the emotions. I glanced up sharply, my sight temporarily hindered by the hood of my cloak. I reached up, lowering it so they could see my face and what I was at least. I hated being referred to as an 'it', like some inanimate object incapable of thought. I was a 'she', a person, or an alien on this planet, who could think and understand what was being said. The green one stared a little once my face was revealed, but seemed to regain his composure relatively quickly, just as I came to a decision.

"Actually, I understood every word you just said so I'd appreciate it if I was not referred to as 'it' like some clock!" My voice was steady, lacking emotion, but to my ears, it still revealed a little of my anxiety.

If the green one had stared before, it was nothing compared to the way his eyes nearly fell out of their sockets as his jaw very nearly hit the ground now. The half robot made a painful grimace that made him look sick or injured, but the muffled snorts that were coming from behind his hand made me realise it was simply stifled laughter. I longed to join him, but I couldn't, not with my powers and certainly not with the current state of my body. It felt as if I were floating and it was getting worse. I had probably gone days without food, maybe even weeks. I'll never know, but now I was paying for it. Nausea and dizziness threatened to consume me as a faint blipping sound could vaguely be heard over the ringing in my ears. A voice from far away asked if I was alright, but I could barely answer. I made to stand, my full weight resting on the wall of my dilapidated ship, mirror safely hidden. The world started spinning sharply, the ground severely unsteady beneath my feet. I wasn't aware of falling. I never knew that someone caught me and carried me. By this point, all I knew was darkness.

* * *

Even beings from another planet with healing abilities (however great or small) need time to recuperate after sheer starvation, whether it takes a few days or several weeks. For me, it took two days to wake (according to Cyborg at least. Robin didn't make an appearance for a while and Beastboy…I don't know if his fear lay with me or his half machine friend, but he never disagreed). I had no idea where I was and because my body was severely weakened, I couldn't see the outside of my annoyingly white and terribly clinical looking room. The sheer brightness gave me a headache but Cyborg, who appeared to be in charge of the medical aspects and who I saw the most of, refused to let me leave. My power, at least, remained in control which was (I cannot believe I thought this) unfortunate because if he could have seen what I could do, he wouldn't have subjected me to that terrible room or left me in there. On the other hand, I had plenty of time to understand my powers, to let it grow, to explore what I could do. I could move objects, heal (which I discovered to my own discomfort), create force fields to protect or contain (leaving Cyborg to waste two days examining his circuitry to try and understand why he kept tripping up near me) and, with a lot of practice, I learned to move myself into another, to phase through walls or travel distances and just appear somewhere (which made Beastboy believe he was going mad if he saw my head poking through a wall or similar).

Once my 'nurse' finally gave me permission to walk around the place, I was finally able to see where I was. As I walked towards the door of the room, I was very aware that I had absolutely no idea where I was or who I was with. Cyborg had been my only constant companion during the last two weeks. Beastboy made an appearance once a day to see how I was doing…before running away, as if terrified of me. It hurt, but he was a tad annoying and (I will never EVER tell him this) he was endearing. Sweet, brave and cute. After all, if he was continuously able to return to see someone who petrified him so much, but who always had a small gift with him, there was definitely something there. Yet there was always the illusion I had never met - Robin. The founder of the group which I had yet to discover. His name was spoken with slight awe, the unspoken leader of the group. He never came to see me and I never saw him, no matter how far my 'abilities' took me or where I appeared. Cyborg never told me anything about him, the guy's secrets as closely guarded as my own, but that final day in the room brought a message that Robin wanted to see me. I feared that he would end up being another Trigon, how else could you command such respect? Cyborg said nothing to encourage or discourage me. I couldn't even read his face, it was as guarded as the way I guard my own. He opened the door, waiting as I walked towards him, cloak on, but hood down. We entered a darkened corridor as the door closed behind us with a faint 'hiss'. I was led down one corridor through another…I was instantly lost and a little dizzy. I could make out Knowledge's voice, but the words made no sense. Something about the structure of the building. She was instantly forgotten the moment I entered a wide open space, a kitchen area just across from me. I could sense light, but I never imagined what I'd see when I turned towards it. Sunlight shone across a great city which lay across the dancing water below. The building must have been on some sort of island, but I never had the opportunity to look.

"Welcome to the Tower, Raven."

I resisted the urge to spin and face the speaker, instead taking time to control myself and turn. A shadowed figure stood in the centre of the room in a small indent in the floor. A bright red sofa sat to the right of him, a giant screen lay to his left. I took a few steps towards him, blinking to see his features against the harsh sunlight. The light shifted, temporarily blinding me, before disappearing behind the screen. Spots were dancing before my eyes, finally fading to show the boy before me. A skinny, spiky haired boy in a mask and a costume of black, red, yellow and green. This was the leader? He looked like he could be pushed over with no effort on my part. How could he be the leader of this trio of…who…actually I had no idea what it was they did! I'm sorry Robin, I have never been good at first impressions and when I first met you, you looked like one of these people who just wants power and gets it by lording over weaker individuals.

He looked at me (I think), not saying a word. He didn't move, never spoke. His arm lashed out aiming for my face. I threw a shield in front of me, stopping his arm cold. He lashed out with his leg, kicking punching, missing me by mere inches as I threw up shields to protect myself. My eyes searched wildly round for something, anything to stop him hurting me. A plate sat on the worktop. With half my focus on the madman in front of me, I called the plate to come to me. It hovered above his head, waiting for my order, before dropping and crashing to pieces. He wavered, shaking his head. I swallowed, never removing the shield, unable to believe what he'd done. How could people who had taken such care of me over the last two weeks just turn and try to hurt me? And…why was he smiling? I hoped I hadn't hurt him too much, after all the time I had taken to prevent it.

"Good reflexes." His words were short, but his voice carried an air of authority, as if he knew what he was talking about. He rubbed his head, shaking pieces of china from his hair. "It's good to see you can handle yourself at a moment's notice. And you appear to have control over your powers. I guess all the practice time helped." He smiled as I felt my face heat up. "You may have guessed that I'm Robin," he continued, flicking the last bits of china off his head. "I'm the founder of the as yet unnamed group. It's being worked on right now. You've already met Cyborg and Beastboy."

I nodded, confirming this. But I had to know. "What do you do? And where am I?"

"This," he said, waving his arm to indicate the city outside, " is Jump City. Couple of hundred miles from Gotham and Metropolis either way. The three of us are grouping together to form a vigilante team of similar age and differing abilities to basically fight crime. There's several costumed criminals out there the police simply cannot handle, and this is where we come in.

Everyone here has a particular ability or specialty. Beastboy has the ability to transform himself into any beast or bird he sees. Useful for strength, flight, speed or just getting into places the rest of us can't. Cyborg is our electronics and mechanics expert. Both a hobby and a necessity with him. I personally do not have powers, but I'm the only one with experience in this field. So I'm hoping that agility, speed and brainpower make up for that. I'm sorry for hitting you…or trying to anyway.

You have abilities that can be used to help. So, as team leader, I'm offering you a place in the group."

I was…surprised I guess. Nobody had ever offered me a place anywhere. Doubt shoved through, screaming to be heard. They wanted my power, not me. I was a package deal. Why stay here when I was meant to be alone? I'd hurt them. They'd hate me. I couldn't fight crime. I'd fail. Knowledge and Bravery whispered beneath Doubt's ravings. These people were outcasts like me, maybe I could do something good. Maybe they could be friends. I needed a place to stay. I just could not answer, it was too hard. So I asked the only question I could think of.

"What could I expect?"

He raised his eyebrows (or just made his mask wider). "Expect? The unexpected. These guys are power hungry, crazed r ruthlessly intelligent. They will steal, blackmail, kidnap…maybe even kill to get what they want. They do not care about anyone but themselves and even if they're in a group or gang, they will ditch them as quick as you can blink to save their own skins. If you choose to fight, as an individual you'd be out there night or day, rain or shine, staying out for as long as it takes to take them out. You will have to face injuries, strains, exhaustion and frustration, alone or as a group. You'll have to make tough decisions and major sacrifices to save strangers who probably don't care, but it's the price you pay. Sometimes you get them once, other times they'll escape and you have to do the whole things over again. It's hard, but they'll always be some surprises.

As for here? Well, there's a gym for weightlifting, martial arts, that sort of thing. You have the opportunity to work on your powers or work out on your own but there will also be group workouts whenever we can schedule them. These would develop trust between each other, to learn exactly what each of us can do, so we can know when someone needs help, or when we need to back off. Cyborg is currently working on an obstacle course for these sessions, and there will be times when we need to destroy an obstacle to save a life, but try not to do it often. We can't afford to waste a lot of time repairing it. If you practice alone…phasing to the Finish line doesn't count as a practice (I think I blushed because I definitely heard something smash. He never even flinched). Any time we are not working as a group inside the Tower or out is yours to spend as you wish. You can visit the city as long as someone knows where you're going. We don't want to have to search every time we need you. Cyborg is trying to develop a tracking and communications device for everyone, but I'd like to create a prototype before he has a chance."

He paused, obviously awaiting a response. When I made no answer, he continued. "Any decision you make now must be whole-hearted. Any doubts must be sorted now. You can't have them after."

My voice took over before I could do anything. "I'd like to see some more of the city before I make a commitment."

He actually agreed with me! "Work and leisure should be as separate as possible if you can do it. Believe me, once you've been in Beastboy's company for a while, for example, you'll be thankful for a place to retreat to where he can't follow. Unfortunately he's the only one I can spare to guide you everywhere and back. Until everyone's familiar with the city, everyone has to go out in pairs at least."

"Raven," he said as I began walking away. "Never think for a moment that the only thing we want are your powers. They're an asset yes, but you've got something more. You seem determined and dedicated in order to survive on a ship for so long. We do need more members before we start. Three kids aren't enough for the adults we'll have to fight. It's you we want, not what you have."

* * *

Although it was obvious that Beastboy was trying, his tour of the city was focused on joke shops and video game stalls. His own jokes and stories became wilder and less funny as the hours passed. I was rather bored and intimidated by most of the places we'd seen. They were so big, bright and crowded. I could see the stares we brought, hear the whispers we triggered. I've since learned not to care but at the start, I really did. I wanted to run, away from the whispers, the stares and especially the shops! But the obligation to spend money continued as I recalled the money that Cyborg had pressed into my hand just before I left in case I saw something. From what I saw, it wasn't about to happen. Beastboy's ramblings died down, as if he sensed I wasn't enjoying myself. He stopped dead in the street, leaving me to walk a few steps alone before I noticed his absence. I turned to see him shuffling his feet, looking at the ground.

"Y'know, if you see a shop you'd like to look at, all you have to do is say so."

I couldn't see one. All of them were crowded, bright, everything I couldn't stand. I preferred the dark and the solitude, but there was nothing…but one. Beastboy became distracted by a new game in one of the shops, but I stayed outside unable to take another game! I longed to hide as I waited outside for him to come out, my shabby cloak was getting far too much attention. I could see a dark alley just across the street from me and did the unthinkable…crossed the street into it. This could easily have been a mistake, but became one of the best decisions ever. A sign to my right attracted my attention. It was chipped, worn and faded. I was unable to make out the words painted across the sign, but I entered the shop.

It was dark and small, frightening for most, oddly comforting to me. Spots in front of my face faded for the second time that day and the true wonder of the shop shone through. Shelves upon shelves of books. A dry, musty smell ebbed from most of them, giving a used homely feel. I breathed in, reminded of the books, scrolls and texts I used to retreat into back at Azarath whenever he was nearby.

"May I help you?" Dust from an old curtain behind the counter gently settled, revealing the hunched, wizened old man. He eyed me with suspicion, his glasses perched on his nose.

"Just looking," I answered quickly, before scanning the shelves, each book sorted in alphabetical order by author. There were some classics, Edgar Allen Poe, Jane Eyre…they were all here. There were some ancient Latin texts, literary gems I had never even heard of plus some texts written with symbols I should never have seen in these books. I pulled a few out, reading the prices, treating the old books with the care they deserved. The old man coughed impatiently, but I was fascinated. How could some of these treasures be so dusty? I would buy only one. Too many could commit me to the team which I wasn't sure about. I couldn't carry very many now. The man gave me a look as I laid my chosen book down and he eyed the title. He couldn't read it, but I could. 'Tales from the Gods of the Grecian Empire.' Greek mythology in a dead language, one I had been forced to learn. I paused, coming to a decision before disappearing into the shelves and returning with an old horror story, its title faded, the leather binding worn. I handed over the money, holding the writings to me, feeling at home at last.

I tried returning the change to Cyborg but he refused it. He had plenty to spare he said, which confused me greatly. Needing a quiet corner, I went up to the roof needing to calm down, to talk to each side to decide my fate. They gathered, each taking a turn. Knowledge was practical. I needed a place to stay and I was being offered one. Happy was full of possibilities about the chance of friendship and fun in the team. I'd never be alone again. Besides, the green one was funny. Bravery was all for staying…but she just wanted to fight bad guys (in not so polite terms), Timid shocked me by actually stepping forward and telling me that with my own space, I'd have more chances to talk to them. Doubt and Fear refused to listen, flinging up all the old points of before. To my utter amazement, I countered them all. Anger shoved to be heard, but I pushed her back.

"You want to stay, don't you?" came Knowledge's calm and practical voice.

I ignored her. I hated it every time she was right, which was pretty often. I decided to leave it to fate. If I was offered the place again, with something that would connect me to the rest of them, I'd stay. No more, no less.

My ears snapped open, lungs filling with air. The sun was setting on the horizon. Bathing the water in a gentle golden glow.

"You decided yet?"

I jumped, hood flapping backwards, cloak tearing. Robin leaned against the wall, arms crossed, one foot against the steelworks. His head was bowed, not even looking at me, but he seemed to know I was watching him. I didn't reply. My mouth wasn't working as I tried to figure out how a guy in steel tipped boots was able to move so quietly on a steel and concrete floor! Sighing quietly, I made Knowledge back off. Now was not the time!

"Beastboy seemed to have a good day out. Did you?"

I shrugged, remembering the books, and a question I had to ask.

"How can you afford…all this?" I waved my arm at the building I entered, emphasising my point.

"We can't. We have…an anonymous sponsor."

There was something he wasn't telling, but I didn't push it. He had his secrets, I had mine. I never noticed that I was walking down the steps and I didn't register where I was going, but the space opened out and I was startled to find myself walking into the living area again, making a light bulb blow. Cyborg was near the wall, working on the security systems wired into the mainframe of the Tower's structure. Beastboy was…in the centre of the room with one of my books! His face was screwed up in concentration as he struggled to read the ancient language. I resisted the urge to snatch the book from him…I had too much respect for the book! I was impressed by the sheer enormity of the building, but I couldn't understand what the sponsor…well, sponsored! I did the thing I hate doing…I asked.

It was Cyborg who answered. "We're sent money every month. Quarter of it pays for food and clothing. Another quarter goes to maintain the Tower…well, the building at least. That means the roof, the piping, the plaster and paint…whatever's needed. A third quarter maintains the electronic equipment in the Tower. The computers, my circuits and any little gadgety things Robin wants to make. Last quarter is pocket money. It's your own responsibility but be warned. Don't ever, EVER lend Beastboy anything. You'll never see it again!"

"Hey!" the subject of our discussion bristled with indignation.

"Why clothing?" I queried. Each of them seemed to have their own uniform.

"You need several costumes in this business. They get torn, burned or just plain dirty. Besides, you need some civilian clothing to hide in a crowd on any days you want to go out. We will attract attention in what we do and sometimes, you don't want it especially when you're trying to have fun."

"How can you read this? It doesn't make any sense!" Beastboy's anger and frustration got the better of him as he threw the book to one side. It hit Robin. The green boy flushed as his leader merely rubbed his head a bit before lifting the book and flicking a few pages. His face slowly spread into a broad grin.

"Titans," he muttered excitedly, slamming the book shut and coughing as dust flew everywhere. Was there no respect for the written word? He tossed the book to me, staggering a little as he ran out of the room. I stared after him.

"Normal behaviour," Cyborg reassured me, giving a shrug. "So, you joining?"

I nodded before I could stop myself. I understood that this was something I wanted, even before I was aware of it myself. Even before I had any clue of what I was about to let myself in for. My mind screamed that I could be making a mistake, but my heart was at peace. This was the right decision. I stifled a yawn. Cyborg noticed, even when he was lifting something heavy. It looked like part of the wall. He set it back down and beckoned as he started walking down the corridor. Lifting my other book from the table, Beastboy looked at the author's name, opened it and shivered.

"Edgar Allen Poe? Creepy picture."

"Great writer," I answered, simply.

"How would you know? You've never been here before!"

"You'd be surprised by what I know." Taking the book, I sped off down the same corridor as Cyborg, searching for him. He stood a few feet from me over at one side, just waiting by a door.

"This can be your room. Everyone has their own. It's your own space to do with as you wish. This keypad," he indicated the small device, "is a lock which will be activated to your own personal code. Just make sure you record it both inside and outside your room in case you forget it." He punched in a code and the door opened.

I threw an arm in front of my face. "It's white!" I hissed through gritted teeth.

He laughed. "I know. It's annoying, but there's paint and material downstairs to decorate this whatever way you want." He hesitated, before ploughing on with the subtly of a brick. "There's also clothing material as well for your costume. Whatever you make, ensure that you can move in it and that it's durable."

I stepped into the room, exhausted and blinded.

"Goodnight," Cyborg said quietly. "Whenever you want to leave in the morning, just type 0000 into the keypad. It's a default code until I can teach you to create a personalised one."

The door shut, leaving darkness and exhaustion. My feet seemed many miles away as I trudged to the makeshift wardrobe at one side. Carefully and gently, I hung up my cloak, noting the patches and thinned areas. No wonder people had stared. With regret I knew it had seen it's day. With a new life, I would now need new clothes.

Completely shattered, I lay back on the bed, ready for sleep. Though it was white, it was comfortable. I would have to redecorate tomorrow, but for now I needed rest. A memory came to mind as I lay, half sleeping. A sphere, it's beauty unblemished and indescribable, shimmering with untold life, hope and endless possibilities.

"Blue," I thought. "It'll be blue."

* * *

Days started to gallop past as many things started to shape our lives, even before we started working. I created my familiar black and blue costume. My room stopped being white. We met Starfire, the complete opposite of me but the toughest fighter I've ever known. The tower was completed. I was taught to use the computers and understand what the medical readings were saying. Cyborg discovered a chest of books in my ship when he began taking it apart for materials. Beastboy was flung out of a window for the first time. I discovered herbal tea. We started to practice, and to work together as a team. We learned exactly what everyone else could do, realising each could hold their own and learning when someone needed help without asking for it. We could work and live together. We had become more than just team mates and roommates. We were friends.

I'll never forget when Robin had finished the communication and tracking devices. He gave each person one, warning them to take care of it, never telling us he had more (until Beastboy broke his after another trip out of the window). I examined how it worked, tracing the white 'T' across the surface. Robin launched himself at the computer, showing everyone how to check where everyone was, teaching us to turn them on and off respectively, excitement radiating from every pore.

"T?" I asked.

"T," he confirmed. "It was your book that gave me the idea. From here on, we are the Teen Titans."

* * *

I never meant to stay as long as I have and despite my secrets, I've found a place. On the team, in the city, on this planet. I was comfortable. Far too comfortable as it turned out just a few weeks ago.

* * *

**A/N**

**Ooops. I have just realised several things.**

**1) My first fanfic has been going on over a year! Thanks to everyone who still reads it! I've really got to get a move on.**

**2) My GCSE results are out in a week. (runs round screaming) For those who don't understand the importance of this, I need certain results to get back into my current school.**

**Anyway, onto the reviews and thanks for holding on for so long. Hope the summer has been going really well so far!**

**_AntimatterManticore-_** Don't panic about having sympathy for fictional characters. I do it all the time. I even shout at their stupidity.

**_kittykat-_** Thanks. I really hope you keep reading.


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